the hungry caterpillar of chronic condition change
My palms are sweating, my arms are heavy and my brow is creased. I am at that point, the in-between, the inner space. What on earth am I going on about? Change. Life with my chronic condition is taking yet another step forward straight into change. I feel I am in the wings (top tab usually) on stage, getting ready to walk into another life. As I watch others before me on stage, I feel the butterflies take flight as I wait for my turn.
This very hungry catepillar is now on the cusp of more change. I am resting until I get back on stage.
The only constant in life is change. So far so intellectually understandable. But feeling the before change and awaiting the change is something quite profound. I feel like the little caterpillar who has munched their way through so much (or should the be so munch? Ha ha) and is now curled up resting, ready and waiting for the time to step out, breaking out of the old and into the new.
I am very used to this feeling. How come? Because I have lived so many lives, so many people I have been, so many towns, cities, countries I have eaten, slept, wept and loved in. And I know this state of being. That before being state. That waiting for it to happen state. But now is the first time that I acknowledge it while I am in that state. And honour it. And say hello to it. And cherish it.
That's Life
And like the song, I have been everything. I have been up and down and around and this way and that. I have been a Queen (still am tbh - just saying), I have acted, I have performed, I have given. I have been the jack of all trades and I have mastered each one in my own way. I have cherished and loved the old versions of me and I have grieved the oh so many versions of possible mes there have been. And wow, have their been many. And yes it has been devestating when the you have to leave the stage. Heart breaking, bewildering, overwhelming.
Now Look at this
But having Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome means so many changes in short time frames. It is overwhelming. It is a lot. But what I have come to realise is that it is freeing. I now no longer give two fucks. Actually there is a great acronym for that. DILLIGAF "Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck” Ha ha ha this makes me snort with laughter. I do not care for much these days. All I care about is me. My self, my body, my boundaries, my time. Me Me Me Me. All about me. Am I a little Diva in training? I certainly hope so. Ohhh maybe there is a Diva training camp I could go to. Business idea!
With hEDS and the chronic pain and the chronic knowledge that my body will randomly of its own choosing decide to go into full DIVA meltdown and make me go to hospital means that I have to take care of me. No more people pleasing for me. No more bowing down and saying yes. I used to go to the opening of an envelope. I used to provide clients with over 5 alternatives for copy or concepts. I do the bare minimum now - ok so we know that my bare minimum is actually quite a lot.
I am high maintenance for a reason. My hEDS is making me blossom and grow me into a full time DIVA. So here little Diva me waits in the wings. Awaiting my turn, my next form, my next act. Soon, I will step onto that stage. Soon I will have the Super Trouper shine on me once again. But for now, I gather my strength, I watch how I fizzle with faith, I feel how I am to be me.